Monday, May 26, 2014

Earthbound 20: Dancing Straight to Doom

 Alright now that we've notified our parents that we're leaving the country, let's steal a boat.
 NO YOURE MAKING EVIDENCE
 Oh. Oh yeah. Heeyyy...
 That's great. Ride?
 Excellent!
 I am starting to have second thoughts.
 STAT CHECK?
 You dick.
 Sigh, whatever let's just get this over with.
 Is that Scaraba? No?
 OH NO ITS THE KRAKEN
 ...
 You're the worst.
 I'm pretty good at handling motion. I just don't like roller coasters.
 Yeah he's the prince. And he demands very specific food.
 Is that Scaraba? No?
 Uh oh, that volcano must be erupting. Call the airports.
 AAAAAA
 DO YOU HAVE CANONS?
 STALL.
 OK, I think we're prepared.
 Decent.
 hahahahAHAHA
 THE DALEKS ARE PREPARED.
 And TESLA tried.
 EXTERMIN-oh you're still alive
 What killed the dinosaurs? THE ICE AGE.
 There we go!
 Kraken hearts are good for you. Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 2!
 Kraken hearts are big enough to share. Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1!
 Sir I have defeated at least 6 things specifically sent back in time to stop me. I am a fucking hero.
 You did less than TESLA.
 Why is the water purple?
 OH GOODY. OUR FAVORITE STATUS CONDITION.
 Eeyup.
 Nope.
 Finally someone who just appreciates our greatness.
 Alright, what's your story?
 Yeah.
 Fuck it, why not.
 You're a bad friend.
 FUCK YOU POKEY.
 NOPE.
 Condiment guy if you are still using them for some reason.
 Oh hey thanks for letting me know.
 I knew the RNG hated me!
 Hey, you're chill. I like you.
 NOPE NOPE
 This man is your friend. He has equipment upgrades for INKY and TESLA. Their names are cheaper platinum band and crystal charm.
 But first Inventory Management: The Game!
 That's from the band.
 The indoor shop has this stuff. Meh.
 And this guy has some decent healing foods.
 Gee. I wonder if I will go to Deep Darkness.
 Sure buddy, I bet they live with the dinosaurs and deep darkness totally isn't an extinction metaphor.
 And we have a hospital.
 And here's the hotel.
I'll take a cheap one!
 Of course.
 You'll be able to tell by my horrible murder screams.
 Omigosh. It's you. It's our BEST FRIEND!
 OH ROCKET BUDDY HOW IVE MISSED YOU
 We're heroes!
 This is why I doubt we we're ever in debt to Pokey's family. My allowance is almost as big as the "debt"
 Also I sell this for more space.
 I JUST WANT TO GO SHOPPING
 Finish buying the basics.
 But there are two more things we want from this guy.
 First I grab the piggy nose as PP healing is hard to come by and second is that broken cannon.
 Hey buddy I'm tired.
 I checked the IQ required for this and just planned on save stating staying here over and over until I got it but it happened first try!
 I just want to hug it.
 Right. For some reason TESLA'S VASTLY SUPERIOR TO MOST PREMADE EQUIPMENT GUNS are unsellable.
 I need more money, I have tons of money, I can crash economies with my greed.
 You guys are good.
 One more thing.
 Why here?
 ALL THE LUNCHES.
 And back.
 And now, we're ready.
 Hey look what I found. A living fossil!
 Expensive water you say?
 DRINK UP YOUR MAJESTY
 Fuck you too.
 Heeey
 This looks familiar.
 ...Yes...
 I WILL DANCE!
 It better be easily accessible.
 Special note: those doors did not open. Those doors straight up vanished.
 EXCUSE ME TRYING NOT TO GET HEAT STROKE.
 This is totally not spooky at all.
 Hey a chest!
 OH KRONG THE PICTURES MOVE
 This is their favorite thing to do. Be mildly annoying.
 NOPE NOPE NOPE
 Why are there so many stairs!
 NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
 Oh, baby! Offense went up by 3! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 3! Speed went up by 2! Guts went up by 2! Vitality went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 15!
 AND FUCKING SPIDERS TO BOOT. WORST PYRAMID 0/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND
 We can't do anything with it now. So through the door on the left that we didn't come from.
 And TESLA tried really hard. Oh, baby! Offense went up by 3! Defense went up by 1! Speed went up by 2! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Luck went up by 2! Maximum HP went up by 10!
 ...You aren't hiding from anyone.
 Especially not the psychic power house. Offense went up by 2! Speed went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 4!
 Oh, monsters~
 DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN?
 Wow you have a lot of health.
 But not more than MOOSE! Guts went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Maximum PP went up by 1!
 MOOSE's Magic Psychic Fix-All!
 Oh hey EREN got in on the action too. Maximum HP went up by 2!
 I'd be more excited for that IF IT WOULD HIT.
 Ooooh.
 CAMPING CHEATY FACES
 Ow. You punch hard.
 Nom nom lunch. Now back to the door on the right in the coffin room.
 STOP THAT.
 They also lower stats like assfaces.
 STAT CHECK!
 ...Oh fucking hell MOOSE, we just called Mom at the hotel!
 INKY has no use for this.
 TESLA tried to win, but MOOSE is slower.
 And EREN is taking lessons from INKY but they aren't quite taking.
 Nom nom.
 HAIL RAMEN! Also INKY proceeded to get a level. Offense went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 5!
 And then EREN got one too. Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 2! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 2!
 OK seriously did Sombra build this pyramid? So many stairs!
 OK that looks like a trap let's avoid.
 SERIOUSLY MOOSE. WE CAN JUST WALK AROUND IT. WHY CANT WE JUST WALK AROUND IT.
 Fffffiiine.
 TAKE YOUR LUMPS.
 Trololo.
 Oh shit you're fast.
 And TESLA tried.
 PANIC. ABORT MISSION. PANIC.
 Is this more effective?
 It is not.
 Owwww
 FEAR MY WATER GLUGGING PROWESS.
 Offense went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 1!
 Maximum HP went up by 1!

 Go go go
 Get chest go go go
 Cheap.

 Well gang we're all kinda hurting except MOOSE who is apparently made of steel.
 Picky bitch.
 Oh, baby! Offense went up by 5! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 3! Speed went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Maximum PP went up by 1!
 INKY gets boosts! Oddly enough her old charm isn't good for anyone else.
 So, uh, I had INKY pray a lot during battle in a vain attempt to get some PP/heals going. She caused all the status afflictions. And MOOSE is still homesick so he does nothing every other turn. That was...fun...
 Anyway that hole is our destination because everything is dumb.
 Offense went up by 2! Defense went up by 1! Speed went up by 2! Guts went up by 2! IQ went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 5!
 Hey that looks important and old. Let's touch it!
 Yoink.
 Now hopefully this is outside.
 Nope but we found a...thing.
 Well huh.
 Oh look is it lunch time?
 I AM MOOSE TANK.
 Defense went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2!
 Please be outside...
 OUTSIDE!
 AAAH
 Who are you and what do you want?
 I love you.
 Please take him!
 That's fine! Go on!
 YES. I UNDERSTAND. I AM NOT OBJECTING.
 YES PLEASE GET OP.
 K THANKS BYE
 WOOOO...wait I GAVE EREN ONE OF THE LIFE RAMENS! NOOOO
 Oh hey he healed us.
 Finally!
 Fuck
 hey you hit me.
 Man you're creepy.
 Be still my heart.
 Yeeesss
 Yeesss
 Ow ow ow! These guys actually killed INKY at one point and the little guys make psychic shields.
 We lived. Offense went up by 2! Defense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 1!
 You must be dungeon man.
 Well you know what to do game!
Thank you.
 I need an adult!
 I AM THE 30%
 There's an ATM, a bench, a phone, and a hospital all right here.
 Aaahh
 Oddly Mom gave me the default calling mom dialog and I got no notification that MOOSE was no longer homesick so I guess the monk man healed that somehow.
Pillaging ancient cultural landmarks is fun!

Next time: Dungeon Man.