EarthBound Part 5: Valley of Lies, Village of Blue

 Starting things off right with a motherfucking pizza party.

 whoa nice.

 That is a strange man.

 So after 3 real time minutes the pizza arrives.

 Holy full heal!

 The enemies here are scary.

 Waaaay ahead of you.

 Don't move, they sense fear.

 Whew walked away from that unmushroomed.

 Jerks.

 PSI Magnet alpha. It steals five PP and will be a pain later.

 Butterfly friend!

 Asshole enemies!

 WOO!
Offense went up by 1! Speed went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1!

 Double woo!

 LEAVE ME ALONE

 I JUST WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL

 WHYYYYY

 And then he smashed my face.

 Little bit.

 Yes please.

 You know as far as game over screens go, this one is pretty cool.

 We're back here.

 With all our health and half our money. The money in the bank is safe its just the money on our person. I decide to spend the night to get our PP back.

 Can you hear me calling you? Help! Come and help me! Um,  I don't know where I am...I can hear water running in the distance... MOOSE, please help me!

 Dammit man I'm on a mission!

Yes the first time you stay here, you can get your money back. It's beautiful.

 NO NO NO

 STOP IT

 Ow my life points.

 ...YOU WERE HERE THE WHOLE TIME!?

 Mr. Resetti!

 Why sure.
Mr Resetti: You may have noticed that, when you have been badly hurt in battle, you may survive a mortal attack and still have 1 HP. If this has happened, it was because of your Guts. Your survival may depend on your Guts level. Also, more Guts helps you get more SMAAAAASHing hits. Beyond Guts, you should have noticed that it takes some time for damage to be taken from you. This is because of the rolling action of your HP meter. Oops! I mean your life. If an enemy deals mortal dame to you, but you defeat all enemies before your life is gone, you survive. This is all I know.
Well Mr. Resetti you also know how to break my wall. I haven't had the 1 HP thing happen.

 POOP

 The UFO can cause colds. If you have Cold Remedies here's where they are useful.

 Fuck you sign.

 Or if you have PP you can just do this and pray the butterflies are nearby.

 Colds make you sneeze for 4 damage.

 STOP IT.

 Hooray!
Oh, baby! Offense went up by 3! Defense went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 1!

 WELL I GUESS I HAVE TO TURN AROUND. Fuck.

 PISS OFF.

 Oh no I'm going crazy! I hear ringing!

 Oh it's just my phone.

 Well...OK.

 YOU ARE NOT OK.

 Mmm butterfly.

 Thanks Useless Kid!

 Ow. That joke.

 I kinda hope that's a plot point later. It probably won't be.

 Thanks Apple Kid!

 Money!

 FUCKER

 You're welcome.

 EAT PLUNGER

 That Sprout survived a Dalek to the face. I am now terrified of it.

 There's a bridge but I sense treasure.

 You aren't treasure.

 You are treasure. But you're over there.

Yay Bubberfly!

 Hello?

 These guys look scary and have a lot of life but they aren't so bad.

 But his inventory was full so he put it back in the box.

 Fun with game mechanics.

 THE DALEK DID NOTHING. ABANDON GAME.

 Owwww my organs.

 A good thing! Finally a good thing!
Offense went up by 2! Defense went up by 1! Speed went up by 1! Guts went up by 2! Vitality went up by 2! IQ went up by 2! Luck went up by 2! Sweet! Maximum HP went up by 25! That rocks! Maximum PP went up by 9!
Delicious numbers.

 Fair trade.

 He then placed it back in the box and ran away.

 Trees are alive?

 TREES ARE STEALING MY STATS!

WHAT WHAT WHAT

 NO BACK UP THAT TREE EXPLODED. IN MY FACE. HOW. WHAT.

 RUN RUN RUN

 ooowwwwww

 No treasure.

 Bubberfly!

 Hey that present from earlier.

 Or right now. To prevent massive damage.

 Hey a house!

I love you.

 Not you!

 MOOSE having seen these things survive the Dalek invasion and steal his valuable life saving PP, decided he was sick of this shit.

 The Sprout's brother then made a stupid choice.

 Now this house is currently inaccessible. But there's a cave down there.

 Full of these fools who haven't changed since Onett.

 Mr. Resetti covers a mechanic we're familiar with.

 Oh boy. The cult runs deep.

 YOU ASSHOLES.

 YOU CAN DO THAT BY RETURNING HOME LIKE GOOD PARENTS.

 Blue paint doesn't really solve problems.

 Ah that explains it.

 Ah, a goal!

 ...Please leave me alone.

 Ah my full inventory saved me from the crazy.

 ...Wut.

 Either that one is the most crazy or the most sane. I like it!

 Reeeealllly?

 "Forget"

 Ah a hotel.

 HOW DEEP DOES IT GO

 Sounds dec.

 Suuure.

 So much fucking blue.

 And then this asshole tries to attack me when I walk out. These guys are chumps.

 But he did do this for me so hooray!
Offense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1!

 On second thought, fuck that guy.

 WHAT.

 Oh.

 TIME FOR A JAIL BREAK.

 These may be relevant later. I don't know. The cultists aren't putting up much of a fight.

 Uh huh...

 Oh shove off.

 Clearly that is the best place. And probably plot relevant.

 Yep, we'll head there after we get our party together.

 I spy with my little eye something beginning with upgrade. I also spy something beginning with stupid and that's me because I didn't have to buy that shit back in Twoson and accidentally activated hard mode.

 So beautiful.

 Preparations complete.

 The house!

 FUCKING CROWS.

 YOU DONT DO ANYTHING.

 AND FUCK YOUR COOKIE TOO

 Those sentences seem to be out of order.

 Noticed.

 I like it when I fluster the game.

 The Franklin Badge just sits in your inventory and isn't an equipment. Which seems weird but whatever.

 Oh no I'm here to save the girl. Annoying you is a side goal.

 Fuck Pokey.

 AAAA THEY MULTIPLY.

 So much xp.

 Best sentence.

 No? Yes? Which makes you move?

 Bready goodness!

 TROLOLO
Oh baby! Offense went up by 3! Maximum HP went up by 2!

 Options!

 This is a skip sandwich. We leave it in the box.

 They keep getting weirder

 THE FUCK.

Secretaries are really silly this game.

 No. Because blue paint won't fix shit. And you kidnapped my friend. Should have said that first.

 Is that you in the corner? Is that you in the spotlight?

 But I'm not ready to go Over There.

 TROLOLO ASSHOLE

 Oh you fuck.

 Eat my bat!

 Pffthew. Paint yucky.

 Wussy.

 You started a cult! But fine. Burn the statue.

 Thank you sir! Burn the statue. Seriously.

 Damn right.

 Everyone left.

 We're friends?

 Someday I will DALEK him.

 Yes you wil.

 FUCK OFF.

 Fix boo-boos?

 She doesn't fix boo-boos. She does say the same thing whether you say yes or no.

 THE TREES ASPLODE.

 CAN YOU COUNTER ASPLODING TREES.

 She also grabbed that teddy bear.

 Those stats make me sad.

 Fry Pan of +10 smashing.

 Ribbon of +20 Protection. I don't pretend to understand.

 INKY doesn't smile like MOOSE.

 NO

 INKY starts with Freeze.

 Here we see the Teddy Bear's ability: he absorbs any damage we would take.

 And gave it to INKY.

 The town is less blue already.

 Me too. But first!

 I finally remember to sell this.

 ALL THE DEFENSE.

 I still like the cut of this one's jib.

 You're my favorite!

 INKY's current Inventory.

And with that we'll end here.
Next time: Lilliput Steps.