I'm Gonna Die! A Screenshot LP: Earthbound Part 1: Sleep is for Other People

Aww dammit. Someone smack the TV a couple times.

Oh. Well I guess they didn't come in peace.

A classic. One I am terribly ashamed to admit was not part of my childhood. As such I'm running this "blind." Quotes are there because this game is almost 20 years old, we've all heard something about this game.

MY WINDOWS ARE DELICIOUS

Yep hold on. Let me ask my friends what to do.

Here we go! I named the only girl after myself. Everything else was given to my friends to see what they said.

The city of Townsville...wait wrong thing.

A fine year that.

EAGLELAND, FUCK YEAH

Here we see the native MOOSE in his natural habitat.

Pictured: Our hero sleeping peacefully. Not Pictured: EARTHQUAKE AAA

This nine year old has more cash in his pajamas than I currently have in my wallet.

Stats. Right now we're balanced. That won't last.

He sleeps with his ATM card in his pajamas. OK then.

Oooh, motion sensors. Very fancy for 199X.

I was more disconcerted by the shaking.

PRESENTS!

Oh game you know me well.

Mom it was probably just you're incredibly expensive china falling off the shelf from the earthquake. Ignore the baseball by the shelf.

Yes I suppose I can go outside to see what the fuss is about.

Would've done that anyway.

HOLY SHIT WE CAN TALK TO THE DOG

Space rocks!? That sounds like super power fodder! SHOW ME

Uhh, you ok there buddy?

Well it's nice to have goals. Dick.

Make me! Wait...

Alright, there's a lot of text in this game so I'm gonna use italics to transcribe some.
Cop: you kids are wandering around, and, I'm hungry... I hate my job!

Thanks Captain Whine-a-lot

Ha! Time to crush that dream.

I wander around behind my house to see if there's gifts. There aren't. DAMMIT GAME REWARD ME FOR EXPLORING.

Well, Captain Whine-a-lot here will probably send us home when we try to walk past him, but that's probably progress so let's try.

Oh.

I think you're just a wussy.

Nope lol

PRESENT!

Preeeeseeent.

Oooh, what's this do?

FULL HEAL FUCK YEAH

Uhh, hi?

Random guy: I was fine because I always eat garlic and work out to help make my body stronger. However, the weaker citizens probably fainted.

Your...?

Share your secrets, stinky man!
Wario's cousin: I wrote the message myself. That's my real job, you know...I'm a billboard guy. Why don't you check out my work?
Uhh, sure?

Oh so he does have a name.

Not transcribing that so you know that happened. Because I'm pretty sure that guy just wiggled his fingers at MOOSE when he made that noise.

Well, it looks pretty glowy.

Who the fuck are you and why don't I hit you with this bat?

~~Asshole~~ Pokey: I'm fine here, but you're bugging the officers!

HA. HAHA. HAHAHA.

Well we can't solve the Pokey problem and we can't go see the glowy thing. Let's go home.

Oh hi Mom.

Sure.

What? What? Noise what?

Imagine someone pounding loudly and roughly on your door 3-5 times, then doing shave and a haircut. Repeat on loop.

I DONT KNOW WHY ARENT YOU ANSWERING IT

I swear I will murder someone if it's a traveling salesman.

...Murder still sounds like a good option.

~~Fartface~~ Pokey: When I took Picky to the place where the meteorite landed....

I WILL END YOU

~~Dead Man~~ Pokey: the police that were guarding the meteorite landing left suddenly to deal with the Sharks. You know the Sharks, they're the local ruffians, and they were really going wild. Suddenly, I noticed Picky was gone.

Just making an visual evidence pile of what a charmer Pokey is.

Well, I may not like you, and I'm certainly not your bestest friend. But Picky doesn't deserve to be lost forever because you're an ass.

Waaaay ahead of you.

Thanks, mom. That was a great pep talk.

Dammit you ruined the mood!

Awww, thanks sis.

Well considering I have jack all you get nothing.

That's nothing to sneeze at.

Yes dammit. You're going to help me solve a Pokey problem if it comes down to it.

And away we go!

And then I practically fell off my couch because HOLY SHIT LOUD PHONE

Because again, I'm the only one who can do anything.

Dad: Have you ever heard a weird saying like this?Just remember, I'm always behind you 100%. Don't be afraid. I know that you're brave. You can do it!
I have a sneaking suspicion our dad is a certain Japanese fisherman and that makes me happy.

The first of Dad's Awesome Abilities: Saving!

The second of Dad's Awesome Abilities: Money!

Our parents are awesome.

THAT SNAKE JUST RAN UP TO ME OH KRONG HELP

This is MOOSE's valiant effort.

Ow, my face!

This is DALE being a boss.

Pictured: Winning! Not Pictured: The animal does not die, but becomes tame.

This dog clearly doesn't realize DALE is twice his size.

RIGHT IN THE LIFE POINTS.

It was about what we did to the Coil Snake

Less than his lunge.

And this is Pokey's role in battle. This is what he does. A heaping helping of nothing.

Woo!
Offense went up by 2! Maximum HP went up by 3!

I will take it!

Finally! Our psychic powers are starting to manifest! When do I get Starstorm?... It's "never" isn't it?

Hmm, that grow looks suspiciously animated.

Little boost before heading in.

We're baseball pros.

YEAH DALE

Haha fuck you.

MY EYES!

Cookie refund!

And then this asshole tried to ruin my day.

Dum-de-dum

OH KRONG EAT THE BREAD

YOU OWE ME A BREAD.

Thanks Lier X. Agerate.

Now to handle that snake that's been very politely waiting.

From here out, I don't plan on showing every mook fight. I will show parts if something noteworthy like near death, level ups, or item drops happen.

What's the matter DALE? Pokey fart on you?

DAMMIT DALE GET BACK HERE

Fuck. Now I'm alone with Lieutenant Shithead.

Hooray the end is near.

YOU SON OF A FUCK.

Why do you rely on Pokey to do anything?

Please be useful.

Well so much for super powers.

Hmm, yeah I think so?

SUPER POWERS!?

Looks like one to me. Are you a super power granting bee?

I thought that was Galactus? AAA DONT STING ME

Eternal Darkness was a pretty good game though.

I'm sorry, continue.

Well I guess that just happened.

Because your other options are a bit too young and Pokey.

Cool, let's do this.

But power is the third part of the Triforce-OH GOD DONT MURDER ME BEE

You just told me I'm now responsible for stopping not-Galactus, have to find my own group, and if I fuck up, all is lost. I think I'll be anxious if I want to.

Yes, that's how I can make all these smartass remarks.

Is good listening dead in the future?

Sigh. Yes Pokey?

Trouble? Fuck you, I'm a badass.

Oh don't worry Pokey. Even if you were "chosen" I would still pick somebody else. Anybody else.

Well that was uneventful. No mooks or anything.

OH FUCK

Wow, is that your real name? I just thought it was a bee-related cover name.

Buzz Buzz is the best.

Hey Buzz Buzz, I appreciate the thought of you protecting everyone, but only one of us has a life meter. Protip, it's me.

POKEY YOU SIT IN THE CORNER AND SHUT UP

FUCK

AHAHAHA

HOLY FUCK BUZZ BUZZ

Picky, don't be like your brother. Remember, we have psychic powers, not magic.

You will make a glorious sacrifice.

That's how much I did. We're going to be here awhile.

Woo!

A for effort, Picky.

Buzz Buzz, you were doing so well. You're still doing better than me though.

Did I fucking trip!?

Picky got the first smash of the game. A single tear was shed.

Unlike animals, we flat out kill Starman Junior.

FUCK YEAH
Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 12! Maximum PP went up by 5!

Delicious numbers.

How do I access this time travel?

Assume everything wants to murder me. Got it.

Well let's take the Picky and Useless home.

OH KRONG WHAT IS THAT HORROR.

Oh that's their mom.

Look at that mouth. It's terrifying.

I think I just witnessed child abuse. I should call the cops.

Well boo fucking hoo.

Bullshit.

Yeah. I've seen the way dad hands me money. I have my own ATM card. I'm pretty sure if anyone has outstanding debt, it's you.

Hmm.

Lady I just watched him go upstairs and I heard sounds. Violent sounds. I think assholery is genetic in this family. Thankfully, there's hope for Picky.

BUZZ BUZZ DONT GET NEAR HER, YOULL GET TRAPPED IN HER LIPSTICK.

Lady, you don't know what the fuck a dung beetle is do you?

SHE JUST KARATE CHOPPED BUZZ BUZZ

Buzz Buzz you're a bee. An awesome bee, but just a bee. What were you thinking?

Oh, Buzz Buzz.

Eh?

Buzz Buzz: To defeat Giygas, your own power must unite with the Earth's...the Earth will then channel your power and multiply it...There are eight points that you must visit. Make these places your own...Each of these locations is "Your Sanctuary." One of them is near Onett. It is called "Giant Step." Go there first...