Monday, April 7, 2014

Earthbound Part 17: Adults are Scary and Incompetent

Phone the plot.
Please.
Well that was a thing.
Here we are.
What?
Those are words. In a sentence.
Oh we are not having an economics conversation.
You avoided economics. Good move.
Caaaaake.
Cake?
CAKE!
YOU HAVE SERVED YOUR PURPOSE.
To be fair, I don't think they do either.
We need some air quotes in that sentence.
Well bite me.
Wow they paid money for that.
You.
No.
No ssh.
Shhh shh shh
shhh stop no
no shhh  cake
shhh shh cake
no cake. cake. caaake.
CAKE!
Cake cake cake!
5 seconds later.
Cake?
Yaaaay cake!
Wait what?
OH FUCK THE CAKE WAS DRUGS WHY DO ADULTS KEEP GIVING ME DRUGS.
FINALLY
Don't worry he's a Player Character now.
But first he has a new priority. And that is looting.
I got permission for looting! Everyone heard that!
ITS FUN TO BE A GOD  PRINCE
Now we'll be looking at this screen again soon but for now let's see what the stone does.
FIRES FOR DAYS
EREN is special. EREN has no equipment. And does not get equipment in the stores.
Thankfully he starts at level 15 so less grinding.
Not bad.
Alright, what's your story?
You're a phone!?
This is EREN, not MOOSE, somehow my royal phone connects only to you also my royal phone is a person?
And yet you only acknowledge my presence even though you think I'm MOOSE. I'm so lost.
Well, hey there's a character trait.
Bubberfly!
Yes that is a definition.
Ah the gaming of the early nineties. Bastion of cultural sensitivity and mature humor.
I technically am on my way to training.
OK seriously how many women did EREN bone in this town? And how old is he? 18?
Look what I found!
Sorry I got plot to advance.
I don't know how to respond to that.
First, find a mooshroom.
Woo!
Woo!
Hmm
Hmmm.
I AM ROYALTY GIVE ME FREE SHIT.
That didn't work. Also welcome to The Shortlist of Things EREN Can Eat! Yeah, having been stuck in floating cloud land all his life, he has a delicate tum-tum. On the other hand, water is super effective for restoring his PP.
See I think I've found your problem. It's that you're stupid.
Goodies!
Alright. There's a 50/50 shot of you being current plot.
Ah. Later then.
This seems like a bad idea.
Hang on I've got some beer here. Do you think that'll be good enough or should I run down the street for some liqueur?
I NEED AN ADULT.
I NEED ANOTHER ADULT.
He became a tornado.
Nobody said anything about an obstacle course.
Let's get comfy.
No you aren't.
I just saw you in town.
And I told you to get a mooshroom!
No mooshroom no deal.
Well I guess the kingdom's fucked because somebody can't do their job. And it's you.
Wait that was probably a test wasn't it?
HOLY HELL.
ARE YOU DRUGS? AM I DRUGS?
...THAT DOESNT EXACTLY RULE OUT DRUGS
OK? I think?
I...guess?
But I'm not dead woo!
Sure that means I don't have to listen to you anymore.
Aww dammit
Clever bitch.
That wasn't a bad game.
Sure problem solved.
Aw fuck.
Why?
Not really no. And you didn't give me a yes/no choice this time.
No? I'm mostly bored. And weirded out.
See, now I think I'm entering a deal with the devil
Whoa nelly, I never said yes.
I have? Am I me? Am I the demons?
I am so confused.
Did you see the creepy old man demons vision too? Because you could explain that.
By luck of finding a magic bee!
I'll give you a hint. Last I knew we were tripping on the beach in Summers.
Oh, baby! Offense went up by 4! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 4! Oh, baby! Speed went up by 3! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 2! Luck went up by 2! Maximum HP went up by 10! Maximum PP went up by 5!
Alright now,
Hang on. Offense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1!

Well that will make things-
Wait one sec. Offense went up by 2! Defense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 2!
And there's the answer.
Spinning in circles!
There we go.
Also he might be the demons.
I return to HOLY SHIT I'M LIKE 9.
NINE! YOU RUN A COUNTRY. I HIT THINGS WITH A BAT.
Whatever. FULL PARTY DANCE!
FULL PARTY INVENTORY MANAGEMENT
Now you may be thinking "Oh boy let's go to Scaraba!" That's not the case.
We have a semi-important item in our inventory.
First we pay the lady.
Samurai? Whatever.
Yes. Sadly.
I feel like I'm looking at a rock.
POKEY.
MURDER HIS FACE. Oh EREN, by the way there's an asshole named Pokey. We don't like him.
AAA I DO NOT LIKE THIS HISTORICAL EXPERIENCE.
Well there's only one of you.
And EREN can help!
Well I guess that was the proper course of action.
Oh don't mind me game.  I just had a minor heart attack. No biggie.
Guts went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Maximum PP went up by 2!
HUDDA HUDDA HUH
Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 12! Maximum PP went up by 2!
Oh, baby! Offense went up by 7! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 5! Speed went up by 2! Guts went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 1!
Vitality went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 13!
Rapid fire training is best training.
There's still one more of these. Let's not die.
Again with the heart!
I will take you goody.
Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 2! Maximum PP went up by 1!
Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 2! Speed went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1!
Well that was profitable.
The man from Dalaam read the Scarabian hieroglyphs.
Are your gods perhaps Protheans?
ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
Seriously, does it look like cthulu? Where's the citadel?
I don't think I have that macguffin yet.
A truly brave hero or a guy with exceptional groove.
Already took my own thanks.
ANY OF YOU FUCKERS WANNA GO?
Phone?
That's because I'm MOOSE.
No because you have the wrong guy.
DINOSAURS. EREN WERE GOING TO SHOW YOU DINOSAURS.
Fine fine we'll be right there. Fourside enemies are less likely to murder EREN anyway.
Here we are.
Right. Almost forgot to pay the lady.
Yeah you might want to hurry, EREN's looking at the dino skeleton funny.
Do you have an eraser?
OK then.
Venus, you might want to consider a restraining order on that guy.
Sparkles~
SPOON YOU FUCKER GET DOWN.
Punch him once for me!
Wow, she never missed a beat.
EREN clearly wants no part of this.
Hi, Venus!
Extra gross if you please.
That'll do.
We're awesome.
THIS IS A RACKET.
Here you go, creepo.
Sewer level. I am not dealing with this now.
Offense went up by 2! Defense went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 15!
Maximum HP went up by 2!
Yeah I'll need to be healed for the horrors ahead.
Next time: Sewer level.

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