Earthbound Part 18: Fucking Sewers

Quick heads up: There were some technical difficulties with this part. Namely my controller wire died mid-play causing me to replay sections of the game and switch control scheme. I have since bought a new wire so next part will be much smoother. If you notice some inconsistencies that I don't address, that's why.

 I have pictures on the internet, I don't need this taking up precious space.

 ...myeeeeehhhh

 No no no

 NO

 Yay! Oh, baby! Offense went up by 6! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 4! Speed went up by 1! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 2! IQ went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Sweet! Maximum HP went up by 27! Maximum PP went up by 4!
This is the most amazing level.

 ...eh.

 Goodies?

 Goodies!

 I like these guys. They aren't scary and die fast.

 What's behind door number one?

 Have a new toy.

 NO.

 These guys. These guys are the worst. Look what they did to INKY's HP!

 Hey, Exp! Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Well that was underwhelming.

 Alright how bout you? Maximum HP went up by 3! And that was dumb.

 But I don't want to go in the shit water...

 urrrrgh

 NO.

 Fine. Defense went up by 1! Speed went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Maximum PP went up by 5! It's not much but I'll take it.

 Thank you for advertising your stupid roadblock early.

 One of these trash cans is a chest. One is an enemy. And the third is a very wet enemy.

 FUCK NO.
Ugh fine backwards we go.

 ...Fuck you too game.

Yay. Oh, baby! Offense went up by 3! Defense went up by 2! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 2!

 No game, that wasn't enough. I want to be ridiculously OP to make up for this fucking place.

 I DO NOT LIKE THIS PLACE.

 Woo! Maximum HP went up by 1! Alright fuck you game.

 What new and interesting way can you screw me over? Oh, baby! Offense went up by 3! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 3! Speed went up by 2! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 8! Maximum PP went up by 3!  I stand corrected. Thank you game.

 Welcome back buddy.

 Thank you kindly.

 Oooh.

 Heeeey.

 Woo inventory clearing!

 WOO! Offense went up by 2! Defense went up by 1! Speed went up by 1! Oh, baby! Guts went up by 3! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Maximum PP went up by 1!

 Back in the shit water we go.

 I do like exp even if this dungeon is literal shit. Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 2!

 NINJA!

 It was somewhere around here that my controller started being the dumbs. Let's find out who the level upper is together!

 Hmm no guesses.

 Hmm.

 AHA. It's TESLA!

I'm not sure if want.

 I saw a door.

 NO.

 Proof of reset. We still have the shitty HP sucker and a borked tube.

 Though I guess shit handles shit.

 Whoa Deja Vu. Offense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 1! Maximum PP went up by 2!

 Well at least this time we have the chance to play Inventory Management.

 That's right don't die.

 HOLD ON WHY DID EREN ONLY REGAIN LIKE 10 POINTS. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING YOU COULD EAT AND NOT BE A PICKY BITCH ABOUT.

 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU HAD THAT COMING.

 SCIENCE! Offense went up by 1! Defense went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 13!

 I don't feel like backtracking just to fix the royal shit.

 So the control scheme for the keyboard has some button overlap. So the stats might be showing up an awful lot because I'm a dummy.

 NOBODY. LIKES. YOU.

 I like stealing your soul for my gain though. Oh, baby! Offense went up by 3! Defense went up by 1! Speed went up by 1! Oh, baby! Guts went up by 3! Vitality went up by 1! IQ went up by 2! Maximum HP went up by 6! That rocks! Maximum PP went up by 8!

 Another power I'll never use yay!

 We. Aren't. Going. Back.

 Offense went up by 1! Oh, baby! Defense went up by 3! Speed went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 2!

 Where did the door go?

 You aren't the door, go away.

 WHARRGARBLE.

 Fucking fuck fuck

 BRING IT BITCH.

 I WIN.

 Bubberfly!
...
This was a shitty door prize.

 Uh oh. However, the level is low enough I know this is Eren. Offense went up by 3! Defense went up by 2! Guts went up by 1! Vitality went up by 1! Luck went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 11!

 Oooh we are made of boo-boos.

 Bonus Bubberfly!

 Ooh what's in here?

 HOLY HELL.

 Someday the world will fear us. Until then we make a list.

 Alright I'm just sick of this shit.

 LOLBYE

 Nice! Vitality went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 14! Well that was kinda-

 THE MOST AMAZING THING

 I can solve all the problems forever. With my mind. So. Happy.

 Let's not be one step shy of death.

 Oh hello.

 OK we're good.

 Bring it.

 I hate you the most.

 I FUEL ROBOTS WITH MY HATRED.

 Yeesss

 Well gee I wonder what his weakness is.

 And TESLA tried.

 ROBOTIC DEATH WALTZ.

 Owww

 You fucker.

 HOW DO YOU LIKE IT.

 All better.

 And TESLA tried.

 I AM STILL INCREDIBLY BITTER.

 No idea who this is. Offense went up by 1! Maximum HP went up by 3! Maximum PP went up by 2!

 Oh the last level was INKY. Also my computer apparently ate whoever's level up this was. I'm sure it was underwhelming/decent/amazeballs.

 But levels aren't important (until they are). What is important is we're outside.

 MOOSE isn't really sure what that was all about. IT WAS A BET.

 Carrot key eh? I think I know where that goes. Wait a minute. There's not a lot of room out here.

 I HATE EVERYTHING.

 ESPECIALLY YOU. (insert more lost levels here).

 Such treasure. Very worthless. Much stupid.

 This is the worst.

 FUCK OFF SPINNY TOP HAT MAN.

 AND FUCK YOU TAXI.

 And now naps!

 Woo!

HOLY MONEYS!

Next time: We use the Carrot Key.